Weird thoughts

I was thinking about my bio-father earlier today. When I first decided to find him and contact him four years ago, I was kind of obsessive about it. It's like once I decided to care, I was making up for 22 years of pretending he didn't exist or something. Anyway, I Googled him daily, I read everything he wrote — bizarrely, he is a Civil War history buff, which is one of the few areas of U.S. history I obsess over myself.

I wrote him, and got a sterile, typed letter back with medical info I asked for and a request not to contact him or any of the rest of my family. So I obsessed over that for a while, because it hurt. But I got over it.

I don't really think about him that often any more — I still Google him on occasion, but it's certainly not a daily thing. I do wonder about my sisters (whom he didn't tell me about, but like I said, Google) sometimes, but really, I've moved on. That side of my family will not be a part of my life, and while that sucks, obsessing over it will not help in the least.

Every once in a while, though, I fantasize about him writing me or calling me or showing up at my door, and try to figure out how I would react. Would I welcome him? After the way he's treated me for 26 years, doubtful; besides, I already have a real dad. We're unconnected by DNA, but he raised me all the same, and I'd never betray him just because of a blood tie that's apparently worthless. But I don't know if I'd be able to just hang up, or toss the letter, or close the door in his face, either. I don't know if I could. I'm too curious.

Weird, considering I've never met the guy or spoken to him.